If the Cap Fits...

If the Cap Fits... is the sixth episode of the fifth series of the British television sitcom Dad's Army that was originally transmitted on 10 November 1972.

Synopsis

Mainwairing is giving a slide show, but Frazer comments he is wasting everyone's time on a fine summers evening with another irrelevant lecture. Mainwairing agrees to let Frazer take over for a few days to assuage his grumbling...

Plot

The episode opens with the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard unit in the church hall, waiting for Mainwaring to give a presentation. The platoon is disgruntled at being shut in on a fine summers evening, and led by Frazer, they begin a chorus of 'Why are we waiting'. Mainwaring enters and tells them to be quiet. He begins to give them a farcical slideshow entitled "Know your enemy". This contains exaggerated drawings of German infantrymen, panzer crew and parachutists. The show is narrated languidly by Wilson, who insists on wearing a monocle. Mainwaring interjects with stereotypical comments such as:

"Note the eyes - close together, mean, shifty - that's typically Nazi"

"Look at the thick red bull neck, watch out for that"

"He has no lobes on his ears, a well known criminal trait"

All through this Jones is attempting to man the projector, much hampered by the Verger, who is there to prevent any "damage to the Vicar's apparatus". Godfrey is asleep whilst Walker and Pike interject with silly questions. Hodges arrives, and accuses them of looking at dirty pictures, then Jones finally messes up and shows a picture of a topless Zulu native from the Vicar's slide collection, "Light into Darkest Africa", much to Hodges delight and Mainwaring's discomfort.

Afterwards in the office Mainwaring threatens to stop Wilson wearing the monocle, but Wilson responds by threatening to tell everyone that Mainwaring wears arch supports for his feet. Frazer enters, and not only tells Mainwaring the lecture is a waste of time, but consults his notes and reminds Mainwaring of other similar lectures, such as "Why the Germans don't play cricket" and "How to send Hitler a poisoned carpet" (because he chews the rug).

Back on parade, Mainwaring challenges Frazer to take command of the platoon for a week, and to Mainwaring's surprise Frazer agrees.

Once Frazer is in charge, he swiftly sacks Sergeant Wilson for discrepancies in the platoon stores, then is so rude to Jones (calling him a "wooly-minded old ditherer") that he resigns. Mainwaring meanwhile has been banished to the broom cupboard, where he is soon joined by a furious Wilson and a distraught Jones. Mainwaring initially claims that Frazer is playing into their hands by "antagonizing" the rest of the platoon, reasoning that if nobody will serve under him, "he's done for". They are then interrupted by Pike, who reveals he is now the platoon's new lance corporal, having been promoted by Frazer (due to Pike's "hidden qualities" of "drive, tenacity, and leadership"). Just as the other three men are recovering from the shock, they are again interrupted, this time by Wilson's replacement: the newly promoted Sergeant Walker (having assumed the demeanor of a hard-nosed NCO, complete with swagger stick), who proceeds to tell the now-Privates Wilson and Jones that they can go home (to "recuperate"), and also passes along a request from Frazer: that Mainwaring should also turn over his own swagger stick and leather gloves.

Back in Mainwaring's office, Frazer is having a chat with Godfrey. Initially Frazer appears sympathetic to Godfrey's age and health-related issues, telling him that if he ever feels unwell, he will be excused without any trouble. After a grateful Godfrey thanks him, Frazer then changes his manner, sternly saying that if Godfrey does decide to come on parade, he will receive no special treatment, and must do what the other members of the platoon do "or take the consequences". Just then, a senior Scottish officer, Major-General Menzies, arrives. After a puzzled Godfrey departs, Frazer and Menzies discuss the state of the platoon as it currently stands. Pleased at finding a fellow Scot in command, he invites Frazer to play the bagpipes to pipe in the haggis at a regimental dinner. Frazer agrees, though upon departing Menzies calls him "Mainwaring", revealing that he is unaware that Frazer has temporarily replaced Mainwaring as commander of the platoon.

Discussing this with the Colonel in the mess, Menzies tells the Colonel to organise the dinner, and the Colonel (who unlike Menzies, knows Mainwaring) expresses great surprise that Mainwaring is Scottish and can play the pipes.

Back in the church hall, Frazer's tenure has ended, and Mainwaring is quick to establish control and forget about the whole incident (though both Walker and Pike speak up in favor of Frazer, while Jones remains loyal to Mainwaring). Frazer then attempts to tell Mainwaring about the commitment to pipe the haggis at the dinner, but Mainwaring doesn't give him a chance.

Later, Mainwaring and the platoon arrive at the regimental dinner. A sergeant appears, and takes Mainwaring through the procedure. Finally, to Mainwaring's surprise, he presents Mainwaring with the bagpipes. Expecting Mainwaring to be nonplussed, Frazer issues an ultimatum. "It was me he asked to play the pipes because he was impressed with my handling of the platoon. I'll play the pipes for you if you let me go into the dinner at the head of MY platoon". Mainwaring refuses, thus provoking Wilson to say "are you absolutely sure you're doing the right thing". Mainwaring shoulders the pipes competently, and they form up, ready to lead the haggis in. Frazer is predicting doom, but Mainwaring turns to Wilson and says,

"I spent my honeymoon in a remote village in Scotland called InverGeechie (sic). It was a wild and lonely place. The nights were long ..... and there was nothing else to do."

To everyone's amazement he starts the pipes up and, playing magnificently, marches in leading the haggis party. Frazer is left dumbfounded outside, until he shouts "I never doubted you for minute, sir, not even a moment! God forgive me!" and rushes in after the rest.

Cast

References

• Croft, David; Perry, Jimmy; Webber, Richard (2000). The Complete A-Z of Dad’s Army. Orion. ISBN 0-7528-4637-X. 

External links

• "If the Cap Fits..." at BBC Programmes
• "If the Cap Fits..." at the Internet Movie Database
• "If the Cap Fits..." at TV.com